Opinion: So, What’s It Going To Be? (by Bashar al-Assad)


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Report: Now Sadly The Best Time In American History To Be Black
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BOSTON—Despite rampant cultural racism against African Americans in all aspects of American life, discriminatory voting laws, and a vast gap in educational opportunities, there has, sadly, never been a better time than 2013 to be black in America, a Tufts University study revealed Wednesday. “We found that it’s pretty heartbreaking that blacks today are much better off than they’ve ever been, especially because we still live in a country where racial equality remains more of an ideal than a reality,” the study’s lead author Dr. Sam Porter said in regards to the report, which noted that, unfortunately, African Americans have never had it better despite the fact that incarceration rates for blacks are nearly six times that of whites and only 42 percent of black students who enter high school will graduate. “If you don’t think about how—five decades after Martin Luther King Jr.’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech—it’s perfectly legal in many parts of the country for police to detain and question a person just because he’s black, the findings are not as depressing. But then you do think about that, and then you realize it’s pretty pitiful that what blacks are going through right now in America could be considered a veritable heyday.” The study went on to point out that, on an optimistic note, at least black people aren’t worse off in 2013 than the nation’s women, who are just as fucked now as they’ve ever been.

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In fact, boy, maybe this is the one option that should be totally off the table. Oh, and speaking of me being toppled from power, let’s say, just for fun, that tomorrow I were to somehow be dethroned. Who’s in charge? Half of these rebel groups refuse to work with one another and it’s getting harder to tell which ones are actually just Islamic extremists looking to fill a potential power vacuum. We’ve got Christians, Sunnis, and Shias all poised to fight one another for control should I fall.
For full version, visit http://theonion.com.feedsportal.com/c/34529/f/632231/s/3083cec4/sc/20/l/0L0Stheonion0N0Carticles0Cso0Ewhats0Eit0Egoing0Eto0Ebe0H336620C/story01.htm

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